How our Unmet and Unresolved Childhood Needs Affect our Parenting
When couples decide to have children they often wonder what about the genetic traits that they will pass on to their children. Will my daughter be tall, will she have curly hair, and will she be athletic? these parents may ask. Many parents do not realize that we can also pass dysfunctional patterns of behavior through our interactions with our children. I will illustrate this point with several brief case studies and examples. I will then give a plan for how parents who recognize or identify with any of the patterns can take steps toward healthy growth and empowerment.

One parent came to me with a realization. She said that she often finds herself conceding to her children's wishes because she fears confrontation. As I asked her more questions, we came to realize that growing up, there was a lot of conflict in her household. She recalls trying to physically shrink into a ball in the corner of her room when she heard her parents constantly arguing. This is practically what she does now when her children raise their voice and want something. She wants to do anything she can to avoid the conflict.

Many of the actions and reactions that we have today are exactly based on how we were raised. Figuring out and resolving your unmeet needs are important on two levels:
One, for how you interact with your child today and two, for how your child will interact with the world tomorrow.
A child who was taught to avoid conflict growing up will most likely become an adult who feels uncomfortable with confrontation.
A child who was raised in a permissive family and never taught willpower will become impatient and angry when things don't go his way in his adults years. A child who was ignored by a parent may become an adult who constantly needs attention and approval.

Following are some patterns I have observed in my clients. The first step is to look for and acknowledge your reactions.
The parent with low self-esteem
If you were frequently ignored or your statements were discounted growing up, it will have affected your self-esteem and you will become accustomed to being ignored.
You will then become a parent, who on a subconscious level, expects to be ignored. The low self-esteem parent ends up having to repeat a request five times because he does not expect to get attention the first few times. The child does not respect the parent nor take him seriously.

The parent with a high need for approval
Similar to the parent who was ignored as a child, the parent who was did not receive positive messages as a child still has a need for approval. This parent will try to have discipline but when her child yells at her and bullies her, she will give in because she wants the child to like her. The child quickly learns this weak spot and exploits it over and over again. It's very simple, he yells and he gets what he wants. He then hugs mom and walks away. The child got what he wanted and mom thinks she got what she wanted. She doesn't realize that she is enabling child's bullying behavior. This child will use demanding and bullying tactics to get what he wants as an adult.

The fearful parent: Wait until your father gets home
This person may have grown up in a violent household and has come to hate conflict and confrontation. Much like the parent with low self-esteem and the parent with a high need for approval, the fearful parent is not taken seriously. I call it the ‘wait ‘til your father gets home' syndrome because this parent is not strong enough to handle conflict and hands it off to the other parent (of course it could be either the mother or father handing it off). In Eastern cultures, the mother tends to let the father do more of the disciplining. This style of disciplining is harmful to all the relationships. The child becomes resentful of the disciplining parent and their relationship becomes damaged. The disciplining parent becomes resentful of the non-disciplining parent and last; the child loses respect for the non-disciplining parent.

The parent with unresolved guilt
This parent comes from a household where guilt was the modus operandi the way that things got done. Her parents may have used guilt to get everything they wanted. Oh, you don't want to wash the dishes? I'll just stay up and do it after I finish my work at 10 p.m., or Don't worry about me, I'll manage alone just fine. You go and have fun!

This parent has become accustomed to feeling guilt. When the child figures this out, she learns to manipulate situations to get what she wants whether it is time, attention and/or money. The child will say to the parent, That's fine, I'll just be the only person not going to the party and everyone will make fun of me on Monday, but I will just deal with it. I guess you just don't trust me. The parent often gives gifts to the child in order to absolve his/her own guilt for not giving the child something he wanted. This child can grow up to be unaccountable as well as manipulative and scheming in order to get what she wants.

The perfectionist parent
This person grew up receiving positive messages for doing everything perfectly. As an adult, he expects his children to be the same way. When they are not and they mess up, he does the job for them fulfilling the need for perfection. This parent will create a child who does not feel confident in his abilities. This will lead to low self-esteem growing up.

The parent who always need to be right
Being questioned about his every motive probably raised this person. In the process, he became defensive and argumentative. As a parent, he needs to always be right. This parent spends too much time getting mired in details and always has to prove his point to the child. Arguing with your children makes you lose credibility. It can also make your child defensive as an adult.

The parent who is unresolved about being or not being a favored childgrowing up
If you were the youngest daughter in your family and always treated like the little princess, there is a chance that you will favor your youngest daughter. If you were the eldest of two and your youngest brother got away with everything, you can grow up to be harder on your younger child. It is important to see if you tend to favor one child over another.

Next steps for growth and empowerment
1. Does it feel like you get into the same fights over and over again? Look for patterns by writing about your conflict issues in a journal. Describe as specifically as you can how the conflict made you feel.
2. Be patient because you may not realize or see it immediately.
3. Make a plan. One you figure out the pattern and its roots, come up with three or four alternative responses to the matter.
4. Get help from a trustworthy and supportive person in your life. Share your discoveries, goals, challenges and victories with this person. Ask this person to help keep you accountable to your goals. Provided by Dr. Shirin Nooravi
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Individual, Parenting & Couple, Educational and Psychological Testing & EMDR
18345 Ventura Blvd. # 314 , Tarzana , CA 91356
www.nooravi.com

Tel: 818-344-6818
Fax: 818-344-6778

Please tune in to my show on Omid Iran TV on:
Fridays from 12:00 p.m. to 2:00 p.m. PST
Tuesdays from 7:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. PST